V 



"DON'T DO THAT' 



a Come&B m ®ne Hct 



JEANNETTE NORDENSHIELD 



Copyright, 1913, by Jbannette Nordenshield 



New York 
SAMUEL FRENCH 
publisher 
28-30 WEST 38th STREET 



London 
SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd. 

26 Southampton Street 
STRAND 



THOSE INTERESTED 



Charles Gregory. 

Alice Gregory 

Hariette Budd . . . . 



Scene : — A room in an apartment hotel. Furniture trick 
and otherwise arranged as per scene plot. 



Time. — Last Thursday afternoon. 



TMP96-00749^ 
©CI.D 33265^ 






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"DON'T DO THAT" 



(When the curtain rises Charles Gregory is dis- 
covered holding a tray of a trunk — Knock at 
door.) 

Chas. Come in! 

(Enter Hariette.) 

Hariette. Is this Mr. Gregory? 

Chas. (pttts tray down). Yes, come in — you're 
the young lady who is going to assist me this after- 
noon, aren't you ? 

Hariette (looking around nervously) . Yes, sir. 
I was sent here — but what am I to do ? 

Chas. First of all you're going to take this fifty 
dollars. (gives her money) After that you're 
going to do exactly as I tell you. 

Hariette (looking at money nervously) . Fifty 
dollars! (offers it back to him) I really couldn't 
take it — you see I don't know what Fm to do and — 

Chas. (refusing to take money). Tut, tut! In- 
cidentally Tommyrot ! If I want to pay you fifty 
dollars for a half hour's work that's my business. 
You put that in your pocket, and say nothing, saw 
wood — You know how to saw wood, don't you? 

Hariette (nervously). No, sir; I never sav/ed 
— I mean I never saw 



4 " DON'T DO THAT " 

CiiAS. (aside). Bright girl, (laughing) What's 
your name? 

Hariette. Hariette Budd. 

Chas. Indeed — Hariette Budd — You'll blossom 
soon — won't you? 

Hariette. Yes, sir, most buds do that. 

Chas. Well what's the matter — what's the mat- 
ter — what makes you so nervous? 

Hariette. I think it must be the room, sir. It 
seems uncanny — feels like ghosts might be around 
and mysterious things — I want to go home, (hands 
back money) 

Chas. No, no — you better keep that, (hands 
back money) What nonsense — I've got nothing here 
but a couple of trunks I was packing when you 
came in and some antique furniture I picked up at 
an auction sale — my wife is crazy on the subject of 
antiques, and that isn't the only subject she's crazy 
on — Are you a jealous woman Hariette? 

Hariette. Jealous ! I don't know, sir. I've 
never had any reason to be jealous. 

Chas. Well you're a woman, so all you need is 
a reason — come on, pull yourself together — there's 
nothing to be afraid of — would you like a little 
drink? 

Hariette. No, sir; I never drink. 

Chas. Would you mind pouring out a drink for 
me from that bottle? 

Hariette. No, sir. (crosses to table, touches 
bottle, it disappears, then immediately returns to 
original position — Hariette starts back scared) 

Chas. (laughs, crosses to table). That's noth- 
ing, (takes up glass from table) 

Hariette. Who are you? 

Chas. (crosses to her, makes pass zmth hand, 
bottle appears in hand). Sh! I'm the devil in dis- 
guise! (pours liquid in glass — hands bottle to 
Hariette) 



" DON'T DO THAT " 5 

Chas. (holds glass toward her). Taste it! 

Hariette. I'd rather not. 

Chas. Go on — it's good, (puts it to her lips) 

Hariette (takes a sip — smacks lips). I never 
tasted anything like that before — it is good, (reaches 
for more) 

Chas. Of course you never did — it is good. 
(drinks it — crosses to table and puts glass and bottle 
on same. Hariette looks for handkerchief) What 
are you looking for? 

Hariette. My handker — (Chas. takes one from 
her sleeve and hands it to her) 

Chas. Look there — (flowers appear — hands 
them to her — Hariette about to take them they 
float about room and then go into vase. Hariette 
scared, rises and follows movement of flowers) 
It's all right — I won't do any more tricks — I do this 
merely to show you that you must be a good little 
girl and do exactly as I tell you — (takes her by arm 
and leads her to chair near table) Sit down and 
listen attentively — (raises her from chair) Just a 
moment, my wife is insanely jealous — not because 
Fm such a handsome brute or anything like that but 
just because she's one of those dear delightful darl- 
ings who can be jealous without cause. I've tried 
every way in the world to cure her, but up to the 
present moment I haven't been successful. I'm 
going to make one last supreme effort this after- 
noon and if it fails my address to-morrow will be 
No. 14 East River. Now for the sake of a man 
in trouble and that fifty dollars you're going to help, 
aren't you? 

Hariette. I don't see how I can help you. If 
she finds me here won't it make matters worse? 

Chas. A^h ! that's it. She isn't going to find you 
here. 



6 " DON'T DO THAT " 

Hariette. You mean you're giving me fifty 
dollars for not being here? 

Chas. Not at all — I'm giving it to you because 
you are here to help cure my wife. 

Hariette. I'm sure I don't understand you, sir. 

Chas. Of course you don't ; but you're going to 
understand in a minute. Now I'm going to tell you 
frankly, this is a matter of life and death with me. 
This experiment I am going to make to-day has 
been planned and studied out for two years and if, 
as I said before, it fails I'm going to wet my finger 
carefully, put it on the third rail somewhere and 
go up in smoke. I simply can't stand the pressure 
any longer. My wife makes my life perfectly mis- 
erable with her jealous outbursts. Believe me I 
wouldn't talk this way to a perfect stranger, if I 
didn't love my wife — I do love her, but in order 
to have any happiness she must be cured. Do you 
know if I look at a newspaper and there's a picture 
of a three handed shoplifter in it and my wife 
catches a glimpse of it — do you know the answer? 
She grabs the paper out of my hands, tears it into 
little bits, stamps on it, begins to froth at the mouth 
and pulls down the lace curtains — screams out in 
her delirium that it is my affinity. One day last 
week, walking down the street with my wife, a 
colored woman stept on my foot. I turned to look 
around, my wife grabbed me by the arm and accused 
me of flirting. You know it's pretty tough on a 
man to go through life blindfolded — you're awake, 
aren't you ? 

Hariette. Yes — oh! yes 

Chas. So I've made up my mind she simply 
must be cured and you're going to help me. 

Hariette (rises). Yes, sir; I'll be glad to if I 
can. What can I do? 

Chas. Well there you are — yes — yes — (takes 
out watch) She'll be here in a minute. First of 



''DON'T DO THAT" 7 

all, I'll lock the door, {goes tozvard footlights — 
then tzuard c. d.) 

Hariette (frightened) . Must you do that? 

Chas. (locks door). It's part of the plot. 
(crosses to Hariette) Now when she tries the 
door and we hear her voice outside I want you to 
say loud enough for her to hear " Oh ! Charlie don't 
do that." 

Hariette (returns money). I guess I've got to 
go now. 

Chas. Why ? 

Hariette. I couldn't say that. 

Chas. Why not? 

Haiuette. Because I don't know what you're 
going to do. 

Chas. I'm not going to do anything. 

Hariette. Oh ! 

Chas. I simply want you to say loud enough for 
her to hear " Oh ! Charlie, don't do that ! " 

Hariette. And then you're going to let her in ? 

Chas. Yes ! 

Hariette. And when she starts to pull my hair 
out I'll have to say, " Oh ! don't do that," to her, 
won't I ? 

Chas. Yes, that's where we fool her — that's 
where the cure for jealousy begins to get its work 
in — When I open the door ar.d let her in you go in 
the v/ardrobe — Look — into this wardrobe. 

Hariette (scared). But she'll find me. 

Chas. Possibly — but let us hope she won't — 
Now listen to me very carefully. Every time I use 
the word '' darling " I want you to say " Charlie, 
dear, no matter where you happen to be — you 
understand. 

Hariette. Well, not exactly. 

Chas. Well, when my wife comes in you're going 
to hide in the wardrobe. 

Hariette. Yes. 



8 "DON'T DO THAT" 

Chas. After that you're going to get out of the 
room and if there is any danger of your being ob- 
served by my wife you're going to hide in any other 
place you can find — do you understand that ? 

Hariette. Yes. 

Chas. Where ever you are if you hear me say 
the word " darling " you are to say " Charlie, dear." 

Hariette. Yes, I understand, now. 

Chas. We'll try it — darling ! 

Hariette (giggling). Charlie, dear. 

Chas. That's good, (stepping a little nearer to 
her) Darling. 

Hariette (still giggling). Charlie, dear. 

Chas. (very close to her). That's good — Dar- 
ling. (Alice, Mrs. Gregory heard outside the 
door) 

Alice (outside). Charlie, dear! 

Chas. (stepping back). There she is. 

Alice (outside). Are you going to open the 
door ? 

Chas. (to Hariette). Hurry up; say it. 

Hariette (vei'y nervously and speaks almost in a 
zvhisper). Oh! Charlie, don't do that. 

Chas. Great Scott! have you lost your voice? 
I want her to hear you. 

Alice (outside). Open this door at once. 

Hariette (loudly). Oh! Charlie, don't do that. 
(slight pause, then a scream and loud pounding on 
the door outside) 

Chas. (to Hariette). Go on now — hurry — hide 
in that wardrobe. (Hariette runs and gets in 
wardrobe — Charles goes to door — unlocks it) Is 
that you, Alice? 

Alice. Open the door. 

Chas. (crosses to trays of trunk). Come in — 
come in — the door is unlocked. (Enter Alice) 
I'm going to take you away. 



DON'T DO THAT 



Alice (in passion of rage). Where is the 



woman 



Chas. Woman, woman, woman — what woman 
my dear? 

Alice. What woman? How do I know what 
woman? Isn't it enough that there is a woman. 
Where is she? 

Chas. My dear you're excited. What in the 
world is the matter with you? 

Alice. Didn't I hear her? She was alone with 
you in this room. She said " Charlie, don't do 
that." What were you doing? 

Chas. (with perfect calm). Up to the present 
time, my dear, you have devoted your spare mo- 
ments to seeing things which did not exist — now 
you are hearing things. Your hullucinations grow 
worse — we must go at once to some brain specialist. 
Let me see now — who can we go to ? 

Alice, (takes off hat). We'll go nowhere until I 
see that woman — she's in this room — I heard her 
voice. 

Chas. (crosses to hat and cane — puts on hat — 
does cane problem). Impossible — Impossible 

Alice. I tell you I heard her voice and you 
might as well bring her out of hiding. 

Chas. Hiding ! How ridiculous ! Do you think 
I would permit a strange woman to hide in this 
beautiful furniture I bought for you, darling? 

Hariette (in wardrobe). Charlie, dear. 

Alice (screams, turns). There — there — in that 
wardrobe! (rushes to it — throzvs doors open — 
pounds on inside — sees it is empty — bus. ad — lib — ) 

Chas. You see, my dear, there is nobody there. 
(gently taking her in his arms and leading her down 
stage) You know I didn't mind it so much when 
you confined your efforts to seeing things, but now 
that you're beginning to hear voices — really, my 
dear, I'm getting worried. 

Alice. Yes, you're worried 



10 "DON'T DO THAT" 

Chas. As soon as you come into the room the 
atmosphere permeates with the smell of tube roses — 
I can almost hear a voice saying, " Relatives and 
friends walk up-stairs." 

Alice. Oh! Charlie — how can you jest about 
such horrible things. 

Chas. My dear girl nothing is terrible to me ex- 
cept your persistent and idiotic attitude toward 
women — If you ever again allow me fifteen minutes 
freedom I'm going to buy the Flatiron building — 
then tear it down and put up a tennis court for poor 
girls. 

Alice. You can say what you like, I heard that 
woman distinctly. Outside the door I heard her 
say, " Charlie, dear." Do you mean to tell me I'm 
going crazy? (Henriette comes out of wardrobe 
and goes into clock) 

Chas. (gets down on floor, does a problem). I 
don't know but you're driving me crazy. 

Alice. Get up and don't be such a fool ! 

Chas. What did the voice sound like, darling? 

Hariette {in the clock). Charlie, dear. 

Alice (screaming and turning quickly). In the 
clock — I heard it distinctly. 

Chas. All right, if you did, go and see what 
time she is. (Alice goes to clock — opens it — no- 
body in it — screams — closes door) Hadn't we bet- 
ter see a doctor right away, my dear? 

Alice. I won't see a doctor, I tell you. There's 
nothing the matter with me. I distinctly heard that 
woman say, " Charlie, dear " — she's somewhere in 
this room, I tell you, I'm going to find her. 

Chas. Now pull yourself together, my dear, and 
we'll go at once and see a doctor. 

Alice (hysterical, jumps about). I won't see a 
doctor ! I won't see a doctor ! I won't see a doctor ! 

Chas. (dances about). Have you got the music 
to that? 



" DON'T DO THAT " H 

Alice. There's a woman in this room! I tell 



you, 



(During this speech Hariette comes out of clock 
starts for the door — looks bewildered.) 



And if you think you're going to convince me by 
tellino- me I have hullucinations and that I hear 
voices you're greatly mistaken. There's nothmg the 
matter with me except that I have a false and faith- 
less husband. (Hariette rushes to couch, throws 
off pillows— enters same) 

Alice (screams, rushes to door). I saw her go 
out of the door. 

Chas. Oh, darling! 

Hariette (inside of couch). Charlie, dear! 
Alice. Hullucinations, indeed— (^o^^ tozvard 
Chas ) This time I'm going to know who this 
woman is and what she's doing here. You have 
fooled me very nicely, Mr. Charles Gregory, but 
you're not going to pull the wool over my eyes any 
longer (grabs a szvord zvhich might be used for 
decorations on the wall) She's in the couch, (m a 
frenzy of anger runs it through the couch several 
times— opens couch— it is empty— is very much as- 
tonished—holds forehead with hands as though 
deeply impressed) 

Chas There you are— you see, my dear, your 
nerves are in a very bad shape, (leads her azvay to 
other side of stage) Jealousy has driven all the 
common sense from your head, my dear. 

Alice (weakly). But I tell you I saw her—i 
saw her go out of the door— I heard her voice m 
the couch. (Hariette gets out of couch and stands 
near it) I saw her with my own eyes. (Hariette 
nets behind table and goes into trunk) 

Chas. Well I'm through— you're insane— I can t 
stand it any longer 



12 " DON'TT DO THAT" 

Alice. Oh ! Oh ! — am I losing my senses ? 
(Chas. crosses to trunk, turns it around — brings it 
toward audience) I tell you I did see her. 

Chas. {crosses to trunk and puts in trays). Get 
your coat and hat, you're going away — The simple 
truth is you've allowed these jealous frenzies to get 
the best of you. If you ever want to get well and 
strong and be happy again you'll have to stop being 
jealous, that's all — We'll both go away a fevv^ days — 
you see, my dear, it has effected your nerves to a 
terrible extent. Now you're going to promise me 
not to be jealous any more — aren't you, darling? 

Hariette (stands in middle of trunk, perfectly 
still). Charlie, dear! (Alice looks dazed and 
rather puzzled) 

Chas. Darling ! 

Hariette. Charlie, dear ! 

Alice {turns, still a hit puzzled). There she is — 
seeing things am I? Look at her — look at her — 
standing right there. 

Chas. {pretending not to see). Where? 

Alice. There! You mean to tell me you don't 
see her? 

Chas. No! my dear, I don't see anything. 

Alice. You don't see a woman standing there? 

Chas. No, darling. 

Hariette. Charlie, dear! 

Alice. You don't hear her? 

Chas. Hear what? 

Alice. Didn't you hear her call you, " Charlie, 
dear?" 

Chas. No, darling. 

Hariette. Charlie, dear! 

Alice {hysterical). Oh! Oh! She's there, I 
tell you. 

Chas. {going toward Hariette). Where? 

Alice. There! There! Right in front of you. 

Chas. In front of me? Whereabouts? 



" DON'T DO THAT " 13 

Alice. Not two steps away from you. 

Chas. (feeling through the air with hands). Tell 
me if I'm near her, darling? 

Hariette. Charlie, dear! 

Alice (hysterical). Don't you hear her? Don't 
you see her? (Chas. feeling through air, has now 
placed his hand on Hariette's shoulder) Do you 
mean to tell me, you don't know your hand is on her 
shoulder ? 

Chas. No, dear, I don't, but if it is I'll put her 
out of the room for you. Have I both my hands on 
her shoulders now? 

Alice. Yes! Yes! YES! 

Chas. Very well, I'll put whatever it is out of 
the room! Of course, I don't see anything and I 
don't hear anything, but if it will calm your nerves 
I'll be glad to send her away, (to Hariette) Go 
in the trunk — (Hariette goes into trunk. To 
Alice) Is she still here? 

Alice. Of course, she's still here. (Chas. goes 
toward trunk) 

Chas. Isn't that singular! (as he is about to 
put down lid — Hariette goes down in trunk) Do 
you see her now? 

Alice. No, no, she's gone in that trunk. 

Chas. In that trunk — What a peculiar idea — 
we'll lock her in and send her away, (locks trunk 
—puff of smoke is seen) We'll have a little fun 
with her — will we? (rolls trunk down stage — opens 
if — nobody in it — turns trunk so audience can see) 
1 just want to show you how foolish you are, my 
darling. 

Hariette (from box in theatre). Charlie, dear! 
(Alice screams, drops in the trick chair, which col- 
lapses. Chas. picks her up — Alice clings to him as 
if in fear) 

CURTAIN. 



MAY 9 1913 






